“Let’s check the upstairs, OK?” I headed up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs, we saw 5 doors. One on the left was slightly ajar. Acgar and I moved closer. “Tracks.” Acgar whispered to me.

“Why are you whispering?” A voice whispered. I whirled around to see Various. “What are you doing — How did you –”
Acgar put her finger to her mouth. “Shhhh! ”

We approached the door. I took a deep breath and pushed it open. What we saw inside was a small and filthy bedroom. Bedding had been pulled from the beds. Pieces of food littered the floor. Various peered in over my shoulder. “Gross.”

We moved on to the other door on that side of the landing. Ian and Myntilly were looking at the lock. Ian pulled out his pack and pulled out what looked sort of like a metallic ruler. He rapped it against the door handle and it made a lovely clear sound. As the sound died away, Ian opened the door. Myntilly smiled. “Handy little thing!” She said as she moved into the room.

This room was larger and well appointed. There was a single bed with several pillows. I felt something brush against my arm and suddenly the pillows moved without anyone touching them. Myntilly quickly cast dispel magic. I started laughing as Various was revealed bouncing on the bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She put her hands on her hips and glared at me. “I didn’t have a chance! You’re so quick with the spell. Like some sort of hired assassin. Very impressive.”
“Hey! Who did that? Why am I visible?”
Myntilly walked to the bed. “I’m sorry Various, honey. I didn’t know you were in town. No one (she shot a look at me) told me! I thought you were a ghost or something. Don’t sneak like that! I could have done worse than dispel, you know.”
“Like what? Orb of acid? Fireball? Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I were set on fire again. Would the other eye smoke, do you think?” She got off the bed and the three of us joined the others on the landing.

“Let’s check the double door. I bet it’s the master bedroom.” I moved toward the doors. Without Cinder around these days doors are a bit more tricky. If I’m up front I say a small prayer and turn the handle. This time Brus padded up beside me. He stood up with front paws on one side of the door and the door swung open. “Good boy! Thank you, buddy.” I peered in. “Yep,” I called. “It’s the master bedroom!”
Myntilly squeezed past me and Brus. “I wonder” she said, “if any of the clothes are still in the closet. That would be a cl –”

From the doorway, I heard Myntilly yelp. And then I heard a scurrying sound. “Oh gross!” Myntilly yelled. I quickly cast fire shield and pushed past Brus. Whatever was in here, I didn’t want Myntilly to face it alone. I was not prepared to see a huge centipede. It was trying to coil itself around Myntilly. She was successfully lobbing spells at it. It must have felt me coming up behind it because it quickly turned and attacked. As it tried to coil around me, the flames of my shield seared it. It released and, not being very smart, launched itself at me again. I almost laughed, and then I saw the teeth. I wondered where everyone else was. Suddenly Brus was at my side. And Acgar jabbed her spear through the opening between the door frame and Brus.

We were lucky, in the end there were only a few babies, which Myntilly and Brus dispatched easily. Later I realized that we only ever got the one door open, so the others had limited vision and access.

As Sadi said later, “It was a jumble in there. I heard Myntilly yelling and then you go in all wreathed in flames and Brus goes in. I couldn’t see a thing with him in the way. And well (she shrugged) you guys weren’t yelling or anything, so I figured you had it under control.”

(March 25)

Well, blah. It’s been a heckuva day. Seeing as these Divas helped me obtain my summer home and all, I’ve been following them around for apiece. It will also help my research into whether or not the phenomena of coinciding cycles (the idea that women who spend a lot of time together will, over time, begin to have their menstrual cycles during the same time frame) is actually a valid theory. It seems as if they gather with unlikely crowds, however.

On approaching Cauldron and standing in line to be allowed into the city (something about a tax), a large group gathered around me. Of course, I assumed that they had heard about my research on the mating habits of hobgoblins and wished to congratulate me on such a wonderfully articulated piece.

My assumption, however, was incorrect as the crowd was a group of orcs (who might be interested in hobgoblins only if sheep were not available) with spears pointed towards me. How rude!

Having dealt with these sorts of crowds before, I shot up into the air with a Swift Fly spell and demanded to know what was going on (there’s not much that ruffles my feathers more than Orcs who feel they can invade my personal space, especially ones that have not bathed recently). It seems that the news of my receiving the honour of ruling the plane of Occipitus had not yet reached their ears and believed my Smoking Eye to be some sort of bewitchment! Unlearned curs… Having forgotten my ring in my frazzled state, I conjured a mist to conceal my form and demanded the location of the closest inn, to which I headed immediately. Some of those lousy orcs were made to follow me; they did not even have the sense to realize I was a scholar, muttering in their guttural tongue. Of course, I understood and even empathized with their lack of job options, but my blood was still boiling.

Arriving at the inn, the cloud dispersed and I changed my guise to that of a more **cringes** normal elf, ordered a round of drinks for the orcs who were just doing as the holders of their leashes demanded, and went up to my room.

Time passed and I was able to ponder the events that had just occurred. Unsure of what the response of their head of the guard would be, I remembered my ring and used its power, then brewed some tea. After a while, Indira arrived with the head of the guard, Quitleg or somesuch. The halfling was a bit full of himself and did not seem keen on apologizing for the actions of his minions, instead requesting me to keep myself hidden or disguised after making a spectacle of me. The nerve! As I owed Indira for the restoration of my life force after the run-in with that nasty crystal, I begrudgingly have done as she asked and wear an eye patch. Harumph. I feel as if I am a corsair, no wonder they wish to loot and plunder and raid constantly.

This halfling mentioned that my punishment for his not being able to control his own people is due to the number of individuals who have been causing a ruckus. When found, these individuals have had soot around one of their eyes. Of course, mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, but I really do not care for groupies because they tend to cause so much trouble. It is not my fault that folks wish to aspire to my ability; perhaps I should provide a PSA to the local schools.

One individual in particularly did not have the smoking eye but claimed he was Adamarchus himself! I have heard of stranger, though whatever would cause one of such power to be in the body of a peasant is strong magic indeed, and thus my interest was piqued. Along with the Divas, we visited the jail cell and spoke with the young man.

He certainly did not appear as I would have imagined Adamarchus. There was no magic about him, he did not seem compelled. It is possible that he was reborn into this form, but something tells me that this man was not actually Adamarchus. The halfling told us that he had been found outside of the Tipped Tankard, an inn that had been closed down a few weeks ago. My companions seemed to know of the place, so we went that direction.

(April 1)

On our way to the Tipped Tankard, a sudden downpour seemed to get the better of Indira, who started feeling a little under-the-weather. Not wishing to leave us without the light of Pelor, apparently her second cousin twice removed was in town. She also happened to be named Indira. Strange names these humans give their children. So Indira took her leave to rest. Bruce was being rather fitful, likely a bit tired of being cooped up in town, and Ian decided that a frolic in the woods at the base of the volcano would do him some good. Cinder disappeared, as rogues tend to do. I cannot say that I trust those of a roguish nature, but being an Elf-kin, even if one of the lesser-learned of my brethren, I have faith in her. Zellie excused herself, intent on buying some jewelry while we were in town. And so it was just the five of us: Acgar, Sadi, Myntilly, Indira, and myself.

Myntilly, perhaps fearing some evil within the Tipped Tankard, thought that it might be best to see if the passages underneath the local bathhouse would lead beneath the building. I believe she intended to find an alternate route, and her idea proved valid: she discovered a false ceiling, painted to look like the earth around it. When Acgar was unable to jostle the panel out of place, I used a Greater Mage Hand to lift and shift it to the side. Myntilly aimed true, the grappling hook affixing itself to the edge, and we climbed our way into the Tipped Tankard.

We had surfaced behind the bar. The entire place was covered in dust. Tables and chairs were blanketed with white sheets. There were no glasses, no ale, no people… very depressing. Sadi seemed to have gotten lost behind us, so Myntilly took point, searching around the area. Attempts to move quietly were in the process of being foiled by Indira, the walking trash can, when suddenly I inhaled a dust bunny and sneezed violently. So much for that.

Myntilly checked the room behind the bar and found the storage room, but nothing other than more dust. Acgar checked under a cloth-covered table and found another dust bunny for me to inhale. All in all, this was very boring and my allergies were getting the best of me. As Myntilly walked opened the next door, she mentioned that the dust had been disturbed between the door and the back corner of the room. Seeing as undisturbed dust had been driving my sinuses crazy, I wasn’t about to dabble in disturbed dust and stayed back. Acgar, however, followed the trail to the corner and looked under the old keg stands. She found an egg. Full of jewels. I couldn’t think of anything that laid eggs filled with jewels… very strange.

About this time Sadi reappeared from the hole in the ground. We all continued down the hallway, Myntilly and I both invisible. She opened the door and we discovered a much larger hallway with multiple doors leading off of it. Taking point once again, Myntilly started opening doors. Each door opened into a guest room. We all gave each room a search, watching for more of the disturbed dust and looking for eggs. The first room was empty and no dust disturbed, but the second one there was disturbed dust and we found another egg, this one again filled with jewels. I’m not complaining, as they’ll help to cover the cost of remodeling Occiptius, but not knowing what the source was continued to be unnerving.

As we made our way to the third doorway, Myntilly paused, noticing that the door was not latched, but only mostly shut. The dust had once again been disturbed here. Suddenly we heard a “woosh” through the air and three large missiles came hurtling towards us! Sadi just watched as two landed a few feet in front of her, crashing to the ground and cracking open, but Myntilly was not so lucky as one made contact with her. On contact, shards of the cracking object caused those around her to duck and the contents oozed out, burning her skin as it began to harden. She brushed it off quickly and we all turned and looked toward the end of the hallway.

A rabbit.

A large rabbit.

A large rabbit with glowing red eyes.

A large rabbit with glowing red eyes and holding a basket.

A large rabbit with glowing red eyes and holding a basket full of eggs.

I had heard tales of this mythic creature, but I never thought them to be true… a denizen from another plane, this “Easter Bunny” brings presents to children of its plane, hidden inside special eggs that it lays, on a specific day each year. But why did this one have glowing red eyes? And why was it lobbing eggs at us?

It lobbed more eggs at us as we tried to figure out what to do. Conjuring a Bloodgem, I wished the others luck and hid behind the group. Acgar stepped up and used her mighty halitosis on it while Myntilly zapped it with a Lightning Bolt. Indira would have made her second cousin twice removed proud as she began patching up our companions and Sadi aimed her bow for a true strike.

It charged Sadi, threatening all of us with its lopped ears and poisonous fangs. Opening my magic Sailor Moon (TM) compact, I blew glitter onto it, but it seemed to blink the powder away. Indira again healed our wounds and Sadi fired her bow, taking the hit from the monstrous fluffy bunny as she momentarily let down her guard. The blow was enough to cause her to lose her focus as her arrows flew askew. The Orb of Acid that Myntilly threw hit its mark, sickening the rabbit and causing the Bloodgem to glow as it weakened the creature, and Acgar jabbed it with her spear.

In a rage, it conjured evil power and pummeled Acgar! She managed to withstand the blow and we continued our onslaught as another orb from Myntilly made its mark and more arrows were let loose from Sadi’s bow, one finally connecting this time. Acgar poked the vile creature yet again and I zapped it with a Ray of Enfeeblement. Indira continued to keep us up and kicking.

The creature raised its hind leg and rapidly struck it against the ground, causing the entire floor to shake violently. All but Myntilly managed to stand their ground. Acgar once again breathed on it with her stinky breath (we should really see about importing some of those TicTac things… which actually come from the plane that this Easter Bunny creature is from) and after standing herself, another Orb was loosed by Myntilly. Sadi once again fired upon the fell creature and my Grease spell failed to return the favor for trying to knock us over. Indira actually seemed a little bored for a moment.

The creature was beginning to lose its fight! It lashed out at Acgar once more, trying to bite her and tear her limb from limb, but was unable to connect before slipping on the greasy floor. Realizing we had the upper hand, I stayed my hand, holding my breath and waiting to see if my services were still needed. It was then that Sadi’s arrow aimed truest, meeting its mark with a deadly precision. The red glow in the creature’s eyes faded and its fuzzy little tail drooped. We had killed the Easter Bunny.

True to the legends, this creature did have some wonderful presents within its basket. It would be too much to boast about our rewards here, but I certainly intend to enjoy perusing this new tome.

Covered in goo, sneezing my head off, and having killed a legend after being treated as a circus freak, I’m quite glad this day is over. Hopefully tomorrow will bode better. This performance of their friend Dyskko sounds quite lovely. I had sent a message to Occipitus, letting Qwerty know of the bardic show; I very much hope he will be able to attend.

Best to all,

~Various

As I passed through the common room I heard Various telling the story to a group of strangers. Somewhere she’d found or been given a paper crown. It clung to the back of her head, ready to fall the next time she threw her head back to laugh.

Yes, let’s all hail the queen, the crazy queen.

I thought to myself. Just as quickly another thought popped into my head. She’s not a bad person. So why are you so upset? Could be worse. What if it was Kaurophon?

It was a close thing. And it would have all been my fault if Kaurophon’s plan had worked. How could I have trusted him? I feel dirty when I think of him. Nauseated alternating with ashamed, is closer to the truth. We entered the skull and there was the pillar of fire. The mummy appeared and made his pronouncement: Sacrifice an ally to the pillar and you will have completed the test.

No sooner had he spoken the words when Acgar shoved a heavy envelope into my hands. “Mail this first chance you get!” And she stepped up to the pillar, stopping short of touching the flames.
“What?” I looked down at the envelope and back at Acgar. “Are you crazy?!”
Sadi ran over to stand beside her. “Acgar, don’t kill yourself. Let’s talk about this!”
Suddenly Acgar slipped and fell in a heap at Sadi’s feet. I heard Various giggle and say “I love grease. I pronounce it an excellent spell. Suitable for friend or foe!”
Myntilly rushed over, knelt and grabbed one of Acgar’s arms.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kaurophon wave his hands. Then fire rained down on us all. Zaellie, the fighter who stumbled into camp last night, drew her sword. “Who’s doing that?” she shouted. Without thinking I pointed at Kaurophon. She charged at him and knocked him down. The fire abruptly stopped.

I should have taken a moment to think.

I hurried over to Kaurophon, sprawled at the fighter’s feet. “My friend. What is going on?” He struggled to get his feet under him. Instinctively I grabbed his hand. His nails dug into my flesh. Through clenched teeth he said “An ally must be sacrificed!”
“Well yes, I realize that and we need to talk this through….”

He shook his arm to loosen my grip and began waving his arms again. Ice rained down on us. The ice pellets hitting the ground sounded like bacon frying. Again Kaurophon said “An ally must be sacrificed!”
I took a breath and turned to Zaellie. “Hit him again, please.”

I turned around. Ian and his bear were standing off to the side. Sadi and Cinder were carrying Alek’s body toward the pillar. Acgar was on her feet. Myntilly beside her. Various was reading a book.

Again I breathed deep. “God help me.” And then with all my force I bellowed out the command spell. “By Pelor’s beard you will all heed me! Stop and listen!” I surveyed the room. Various was still reading but everyone else was paying attention. “All right. Let’s talk this thing through. First, what are you guys doing with Alek?”

Before Cinder could answer, Various put away her book and took a running leap into the pillar of fire. Her screams were piercing, but through them we all heard Kaurophon wail: “Thearynn, I have failed you!”

Before anyone could react to the name of one of our rivals on the lips of our supposed ally, Kaurophon disappeared. I felt something wrench inside of me. Betrayed? He betrayed us. He betrayed me?

I had no time to ponder that, however. Various stepped out of the pillar, apparently unharmed. The mummy appeared and knelt at her feet. “All hail Elenriel Annanole! Queen and Ruler of Occipitus!”
Various took a bow. As she straightened up, she said, “Let’s get some beer!”
Sadi shrugged. “What the queen wants, the queen gets. Scrolls of plane shift coming up!”

I am not an artist, but maybe this gives you an idea, at least.

Ah, yes… a story. Well, here’s mine… though it isn’t much.

Well, my earliest recollection is of being in the Theocracy of the Pale, a land that is not very kind to those who are not boot-lickers of Pholtus (**spits**). I somehow managed to get in with a group of adventurers who, not knowing who I was any more than I did, were kind enough to let me help them remove the Swampwood curse. That was some six years ago, in Oerth time, as I recall.

Seeing as I had nothing better to do, I allowed them to accompany me back to their home in the Grand Duchy of Geoff, where I dabbled a bit in the so-called ‘adventuring’ line of work for awhile. A certain one of those adventuring types with a half-orc crusader of the Shield Maiden. I carried quite a torch for him, but those days are long past (and I’m sure he could not have kept up with my libido **winkwink**).

After a visit to Greyhawk where I helped with a witchhunting, I opted for a vacation to the Kingodm of Northern Aerdy. While there, a scroll of Fireball was thrust into my hands and, not knowing what else to do with it, I used it… to great detriment. Oh, sure, I was able to destroy the oncomming army, but it had no finesse about it. It was then that I swore never to deal damage myself again. It was also then that I stumbled upon Qwerty and, finding another creature in great distress, have sworn to help him untap his musical reserves. With some hot-wiring over time, we have managed to provide a form of music that has been described as “synth” by denizens of other planes (I personally thing it sounds like a Trollish mating call, but we elfs have much more sensitive ears than most lowly denizens of Oerth.)

After returning to Geoff for a time to pay a visit to my half-orc friend, I heard tell of a town outside of Greyhawk that was under strange circumstances. With Morty, the half-orc, in tow, we gathered some others and made the trip there to see what all of the hubub was about. It was there that I discovered my true love, Zagyg. The entire town was under his influence, and never have I felt more at home. Entire buildings were floating sideways in mid-air. Upon approaching the town, the conciousness of each individual in our group was switched with that of another. It was rather odd being in the body of a dwarfen smacking-type, but the experience of learning, first-hand, what it was like to be so short and to have an affinity towards women with beards was fascinating! While I did not have the opportunity to meet Zagyg in-person, I did feel his touch in the end–never have I been touched like that before! Ah, to stand in his presence is my dream… Sorry, Morty.

I returned to Geoff and worked on my research regarding the attraction of facial hair, covering the costs of my studies with the occasional adventure. Qwerty, however, seemed to be anxious to travel and see Oerth, so again we headed out, deciding that the best place to start was, well, where it all started.

On arrival in Northern Aerdy, we came across a small village that was in fear of being razed by orcs. Seeing as blood was demanded by the villagefolk and I refused to take blood, the orcs did, in-fact, attack while Qwerty and I were off picnicing. We saved a small infant, young Fireball there, from the orphanage but all others were lost. The bumbling group of mercenaries would never have found the orcs if we hadn’t show them where they were hiding, but those who wanted blood did finally get it. I refused to let the young infant grow up among such bloodthirsty savages, so he now travels with me. The world is certainly a much better teacher than many of these schools.

(To be continued…)

She crept up to the next turn in the tunnel. She paused and waved us forward. “Little guy, big bear. Fighting two golems.” She touched the brooch at her throat. “Do you remember Tarkelar? I got this brooch — ”

She was interrupted by a strange voice. “Are you quite sure they are golems? Let me through. I would look at them.” A strange elf pushed past me and stood beside Cinder. After a moment she turned around. “Oh. Indeed. Golems. I’ll just wait back here, shall I?”

As she walked past, Sadi grabbed her arm. “Who are you?” Sadi had one hand on the hilt of her sword.
“I am Elenriel Annanole. But people call me many names. So you may call me Various. And you are…..?” She peered seriously at Sadi.
“Impatient.” Sadi pulled out her sword.

“OK. Everyone just calm down.” Myntilly put herself between Sadi and the elf. “I am called Myntilly. What brings you to this place?”
“I am Various. I visit all the planes. I like Occipitus. This looks like a nice place to vacation or buy a house.”

Everyone looked at her. “This is an evil place. You realize that, don’t you?” Acgar had come up beside her and put a hand on her arm.

Various looked at Acgar, seeing her for the first time. “You are a motley bunch, aren’t you! A half-dragon, by the look of you.” She pointed at Kaurophon. “Demon.” Then at me, Sadi and Myntilly. “Human. Human. Human.” She turned to Cinder. “Thank the goddess! One familiar face. Oh, are you a wood elf, perchance? Hmmmm. No chance you’d have any books then.” She turned back towards the battle. “Why don’t you deal with those golems and then we’ll talk more, hmmm?” She opened a book and turned away from us.

Cinder opened her mouth. “What was that?”
“Later.” Sadi pointed at the golems. The little guy, as Cinder had called him, was darting in and slashing at one of the golems. He had a bear fighting beside him. Just past the golems, you could see an altar with a large black stone.

“They could use our help.” Sadi got out her quiver of arrows. “Did you say you have a brooch? I remember it, now. Golembane.”

Cinder nodded. “Indira can you bless my bow? I think this scarab will really help me in this fight.”
I cast greater magical weapon so that Cinder’s arrows would fly true and fast to the target. Myntilly added a focus spell as well, so that Cinder had even more power behind each shot.
Kaurophon moved out towards the first golem.

He stayed out of reach of the massive clay hands. He cast a spell — I didn’t quite catch it. Perhaps magic missile. Sometimes it is hard to discern his spells. The golem glowed for a moment and then nothing. Acgar moved up beside Kaurophon and opened her mouth to spray acid at the golems.

I heard Various behind me. She made a clucking noise. “I shouldn’t have done that if I were you.”
I whirled around. “What are you talking about?!”

“Acid.” Various blinked at me and put a finger in her book to mark the page. “Acid heals clay golems.” She frowned. “Didn’t you know that?

Perhaps, I could do a little something to speed this up.” And she reached into her pack and pulled out a square of paper. She unfolded it and turned to face the golems. She blew hard and dust swirled into the air. It stuck to the clay figures and floated around their heads.

As I started to ask her what it was, Various crumpled the paper, patted my arm and said, “Think of it as fairy dust, my dear. Probably too complicated to explain to you. They will be partially blinded for a time. Magic won’t affect them. Go smash them with your little mace, alright? I am going to have a look at that altar. The stone is…. unusual.”

As we engaged the first golem, the little man and his bear moved to fight the second golem. Sadi and Cinder shot arrow after arrow.

Acgar and I moved in close with spear and mace. Neither Myntilly nor Kaurophon could do much to help so they eadged around the battle and towards the altar. Various followed.

Acgar punctured the golem’s foot. The spear stayed in; Acgar could not free it. So she threw her weight against the shaft to drive it deeper into the creature’s foot.

I do not remember who landed the killing blow, but the golem suddenly went rigid. He dropped his pickaxe and shattered into about eight large piece.

…………To be continued.